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Laura Laurentiu

România văzută de National Geographic

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08 Sep 2010 la 16:58 55 comentarii 1975 vizualizari.

România este o ţară a frumuseţii eterne (…), unde viaţa se scurge ca acum câteva sute de ani. Astfel începe în National Geographic Traveler “povestea” despre ţara asta a noastră, de care suntem legaţi prin mii de fire de dragoste şi ură. Nu obişnuiesc să-mi cumpăr ghidurile NG şi am renunţat la a mai citi revista NG în urmă cu patru ani, deşi până atunci eram un fan al ei (motivele renunţării nu vi le împărtăşesc; sunt complicate şi, văzute cu mintea de acum, stupide).

Azi-dimineaţă însă m-am dus să-mi iau Traveler-ul cu pricina, provocată fiind de o discuţie pe care am avut-o seara trecută cu o prietenă de-a mea. Ea răsfoise ghidul şi era extrem de amuzată de modul în care experţii NG surprinseseră, pe alocuri, esenţa acestei ţări şi a locuitorilor ei. L-am luat, l-am citit (nu chiar din scoarţă în scoarţă, dar cu multă atenţie) şi am ajuns la următoarea concluzie: surprinzător, suntem mai buni decât credeam! Serios.

Adică, dacă nu aş fi locuit o zi în ţara asta şi aş fi citit ghidul, aş fi spus: “Uite o super ţară! Are de toate: mister, legendă, arhaism, un amalgam de culturi, naţii, obiceiuri, plus o natură generoasă!”. Evident, când l-am buchisit am pornit de la presumpţia că tipa care a scris ghidul, Caroline Juler, deşi este descrisă drept o îndrăgostită de România, a putut privi totul printr-o lentilă obiectivă şi nu s-a lăsat dusă de val.

De altfel, în afara unei explicaţii foto în care spune că statuia lui Avram Iancu “înfrumuseţează” piaţa din faţa Catedralei  Ortodoxe din Cluj (deşi eu o văd hidoasă), nu am găsit prea multe alte chestii de neacceptat sau care să îmi sară în ochi drept trase de păr. Am găsit însă lucruri despre care nu ştiam.

Dar să vă arăt pe scurt cum ne văd oamenii de la National Geographic (asta în ideea că voi nu v-aţi grăbit să vă luaţi ghidul).

Românii:

- Harnici, emotivi şi impertinenţi, profund religioşi, manifestă respect faţă de orice formă de putere.

- Incredibili de rezistenţi, adepţi ai transformării adversităţii în avantaj.

- Le place mâncarea şi adoră să o împartă cu oaspeţii. Pentru ei este important să fie o “gazdă desăvârşită”.

- Odată cu împuşcarea lui Ceauşescu, o parodie de succes, românii au sperat că vor găsi, în sfârşit, fericirea, dar, cel puţin pe moment, poporul îşi caută încă drumul.

- Confruntaţi cu o istorie teribilă, românii au rezistat în diferite moduri: o credinţă puternică, rezistenţă (revolte frecvente), supunere (plecându-şi capetele pentru a nu fi retezate) şi fugă (în munţi).

- Au o atitudine lejeră, mediteraneeană, şi obişnuiesc să spună că muzica şi râsul sunt leacul oricărei boli.  (chestia asta cu muzica şi râsul nu o ştiam; eu credeam că mărul e leacul magic)

- Repetă adesea replica “Ce să facem?”, însoţind-o cu un oftat adânc şi un zâmbet ironic. (amuzant, de-abia acum am realizat că aşa e)

- Nu împărtăşesc perspectiva pesimistă a prietenilor lor occidentali. (eu credeam că suntem, totuşi, mai prăpăstioşi ca ei)

- În mintea lor persistă încă imaginea satului ideal, ca şi în imaginaţia orăşenilor din străinătate care tânjesc după întoarcerea la pământ.

- Sunt mândri de descendenţa lor creştină şi afirmă că s-au născut “creştini”. Numărul celor care merg la biserică în România este remarcabil.

- Continuă să creadă într-o serie de fiinţe supranaturale – zâne, vrăjitoare, spirite, vampiri. (mă cam îndoiesc, da’ mai ştii…)

Sunt în general imperturbabili în ceea ce priveşte concepţia greşită despre Dracula, născută din romanul lui Bram Stoker.

România:

- Are cele mai frumoase peisaje din Europa Centrală şi de Sud-Est.

- Are aproximativ 300 de oraşe, aflate la nu mai mult de 64 de km unul de altul – lucrul ce datează din epoca feudală, când caii şi căruţele nu puteau străbate distanţe mai mari de la răsărit la apus. (habar nu aveam de chestia asta cu 64 de km)

- În unele părţi ale ţării, stilul de viaţă medieval a supravieţuit până acum.

- Revoluţia industrială în Ro s-a bazat mai degrabă pe tehnologia lemnului, decât pe cea a fierului sau a oţelului.

- Indicatoarele rutiere în cea mai mare parte a zonelor rurale din Ro sunt deseori inexistente.

- A semnat convenţia de protejare a animalelor rare, dar permite în mod ipocrit vânarea urşilor.

Bucureşti:

- Chiar dacă derutantă şi uneori exasperantă, capitala României nu este niciodată plictisitoare.

- Cerul Bucureştiului este brăzdat de o junglă de cabluri care atârnă ciorchine de fiecare stâlp.

- Era destinat să devină un oraş-grădină, zona dintre Piaţa Victoriei şi Piaţa Presei Livere fiind proiectată după un tipar englezesc.

- Preţurile din hotelurile din Bucureşti sunt şocant de mari având în vedere condiţiile oferite.

Diverse:

– Priveliştea strălucitoare a Dunării într-o zi frumoasă poate înviora şi cel mai trist suflet.

- Centrul Clujului e suficient de mic pentru a fi parcurs într-o oră. (aici Caroline Juler a fost generoasă; îl poţi face în 30 de minute)

- La sfârşitul secolului XIX, familiile de mineri din Bucium Poieni (M-ţii Apuseni) deveniseră atât de bogate încât îşi decorau hainele cu fir de aur.

- Târgu Mureş a fost centrul disidenţei artistice în timpul comunismului. (aşa a fost?)

- Cea mai cunoscută muzică tradiţională din Ro este cea creată de ţigani  (…), la Clejani, un sat situat la sud de Bucureşti, funcţionând de sute de ani o academie de muzică neoficială.

- Murfatlarul este apreciat în Ro cum este Guinessul în Irlanda.

Ponturi:

- Când vii în Ro, poţi să-ţi aduci o mască pentru ochi, pentru că, în mod ciudat, multe hoteluri şi pensiuni nu au draperii, astfel că adesea te vei trezi cu soarele în faţă. :D

- Dacă vizitezi o casă particulară, este indicat să duci un mic dar, precum flori, ciocolată sau vin.

- Oferă-te întotdeauna să te descalţi când intri într-o locuinţă particulară.

- Aproape orice hotel oferă televizor în cameră cu cablu sau legătură la satelit, la care poţi urmări adesea câteva posturi în limba engleză şi, lucru surprinzător, acestea nu sunt întotdeauna CNN sau BBC World. :D

- Calitatea toaletelor este în creştere, dar în general nu se compară cu standardele occidentale.

- Aproape oricare oraş din Ro, mare sau mic, are cel puţin o pizzerie decentă.

- Vegetarienii au o viaţă grea în restaurantele din Ro.

- În materie de cumpărături, mallurile şi supermarketurile nu par să ofere prea multe. Contrar bunului simţ, preţurile din Ro sunt mai mari decât cele cu care eşti obişnuit.

- Staţiunile populare ca Mamaia aduc mai degrabă cu nişte enclave de hoteluri înalte decât cu un refugiu imaculat.

Cam asta ar fi ce mi-a sărit mie în ochi. Nu am modificat nimic în text, le-am scris cum erau în ghid. Sunt curioasă dacă, în ochii voştri, România şi românii seamănă cu ce a văzut NG sau e mai mult/mai puţin de atât.

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55 comments
  • 1

    Nu am nimic de comentat decat ca speram ca romanii sa fi renuntat intre timp la gestul umilitor de a-si pune musafirii sa se descalte de grija mult iubitelor lor covoare “persane”!

  • 2

    M-am razgandit. Cred ca e cel putin discutabila faza cu “cele mai frumoase peisaje din Europa Centrala si de Sud-Est”. Mie mi-a cam stat inima si prin alte tari din zona.

    Si sunt de acord cu tine: si eu cred ca sunt mai prapastiosi, mai inclinati spre paranoia, mai fricosi si mai nevricosi decat multe alte natii. Numai cand ma gandesc la frica teribila fata de “curent” si ma pufneste rasul.

  • 3

    @Nora: mă tem că n-au renunţat :)

    alt Laura Laurentiu
    2010-09-08 17:14:52 | Raporteaza
  • 4

    @Nora: da, asta cu peisajele e un clişeu care a prins tare bine. se pare că i-am convins şi pe americani că-i aşa :D

    alt Laura Laurentiu
    2010-09-08 17:16:08 | Raporteaza
  • 5

    te rog sa ne spui zece motive pentru care nu pleci din tara asta nenorocita cum spunea cineva

    descopera.ro/de../

    youtube.com/wat../

  • 6

    Laura,sa vezi ce promovare ne va face NG dupa ce se va legaliza prostitutia.Astept cu nerabdare articolul tau despre baticuri , esarfe etc.Clopul meu abia asteapta sa-l agresez.Revenind la subiect,intradevar Romania este o tara frumoasa.Are unele defecte de fabricatie,dar asta o diferentiaza de alte tari.Similar cu timbrele in filatelie,cele cu defecte de fabricatie(imprimare) sunt mai valoroase.

  • 7

    @Laura Laurentiu: Mirata,nu-i asa?Daca iesi din oras si te decuplezi de la net,telefoane,tv cel putin trei zile,si mergi pe jos sau cu autostopul cred ca incepi sa vezi altfel lucrurile.E alta Romanie,cea reala,nu cea confectionata.Daca ai observat in fiecare etapa,este cineva care are tot interesul sa induca o psihoza deprimanta la nivelul subliminal al constiintei populatiei,ca apoi sa profite electoral,de pe urma ei. Am vazut si eu un mare director pe Europa de sud-est de la firma Pioneer (cei cu semintele hibride) care se ruga la Dumnezeu sa ramanem cu agricultura care o avem,asa neperformanta si salbatica,in loc sa devenim (inca)o colonie producatoare de otravuri….One apple a day,keep the doctor away…asta e proverb englezesc,si daca se poate sa fie si din soiul Starkinson :)

  • 8

    @Nora: Asta e un obicei oriental si nu uita ca santem cu un picior(sic) in Orient :)

  • 9

    @Radu Popescu.Ai dreptate domnule.Mai plastic,suntem cu un picior in orient,cu celalal aproape de a-l pune in occident,si pe punctul de a ne rahati in Dunare.Atat la propriu cat si la figurat.

  • 10

    @Radu Popescu: pai atunci cred ca suntem cam ologi. Si singurul picior e ala din Orient. Pe cel occidental, nu prea il simt. Nu m-ar deranja prea mult daca macar unicul membru ar fi virguros. Dar si cand ala are musculatura cam atrofiata…

  • 11

    Erata: viguros.

  • 12

    @Nora: @sase sase:

    Ar mai fi un membru care la o adica,putem sa-l scaldam in Dunare…:) poate ca ala sa fie mai viguros!

  • 13

    @Radu Popescu,ai dreptate domnule,uitasem!

  • 14

    Cred că n-ai nimerit ghidul bun. Uite aici, Romania – ză carpathien garden, fostă “ză lend ăf ciois”… pe clase de cunoaştere:

    Geography

    Romania is a very beautiful land with many scenic bordellos and deep valleys and mighty rivers and vast arid deserts and magical enchanted forests and majestic fjords and dangerous volcanoes and gigantic smoking craters, all of which is covered by a 10000-meter-deep glacier, a slathering of delicious non-dairy whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

    The entire area of the country occupies a single tectonic plate, which spins in a counterclockwise direction at a rate of approximately 750 RPM. Because of this, all Rumanian compasses and weather vanes need to be re-calibrated on a regular basis.

    Romania is the largest country in Asia and is hailed by many as the greatest African country since Wisconsin moved to South America. Nevertheless, the UN Council on Countries that Suck has named Romania the world’s suckiest country for 10 years running. For all this bloody nonsense, blame Vlad Drakul, an illustrious Rumanian political leader who inexplicably only comes out at night.

    Romania shares millions of semi-permeable borders with millions of shattered fragments of the former state of Yugoslavia and the now-splintered Soviet Union, as well as with Pakistan, Uganda, Wisconsin, and several other semi-industrialised countries. Due to a localised distortion in the space-time continuum, central Romania has recently undergone a phase-shift and now serves as a portal to another parallel universe called Evil Disrupter (a cubical manifold of high energy fuelled by roaches and pure human blood [the pure blood is of course a myth as every citizen of Romania has a blood to alcohol ratio of at least 1/2]).

    The country has joined Eu and has taken its rightful and – for the first time – official place as the mosquito of Europe.

    Flora and Fauna

    Romania is positively rife with vampires, dhampires (half-human, half-vampire creatures), werewolves, wolfmen and undead trees. The Romanian Striped Zombie, however, is threatened by poachers and declining sources of fresh brains. In late 2004, a single wild goat was reportedly spotted nibbling on an electric fence just outside Bucharest, but the rare sighting has not yet been confirmed. In spite of its precarious living conditions, the most famous animal in all of Romania is the majestic purple breasted chupacabra. Truly a wonder of nature, this nocturnal predator, reluctant to breed in captivity, is hunted and savagely milked, for chupacabra milk is a key ingredient in most, if not all, sacred Rumanian beverages.

    It is known that the inhabitants of this land are very attached to the animals, living in communion. A very good friend of the people is the bear wich is respected and turned into carpets or exibits in the Museum Antipa (the epicenter of the living flora and fauna).

    From ancient times the bear was appreciated for its laba (paw), wich became the symbol of this lovely creature. The kind people are worshiping the animal god for its existance by making a tribute: dau la laba(“giving to paw”).

    This term is used frequently in expresions like “you’re a pawer” (you respect the bear a lot), “sad paw” (a man is sad because the spirit of the bear left him) or “you give to paw at Andreea Marin” (Andreea Marin helped you rediscover the bear inside you). When a female gives the male a paw it is the begining of a relationship under the authority of the bear spirit and the male is satisfied after this custom, thanking the bear later by giving a paw from the memories.

    The worst species that inhabits Romania is probably the edit warrior, which in his blood-lust and rage destroys everything wherever he goes. The Romanian Institute of Demography has seen a 376.28% rise of this species since the creation of wikis on the web. In 2048 AC, the nation of ROMania itself was re-built entirely from non-volatile ROM, placing it beyond the reach of the edit warriors.

    However, a dark cult seems to be rising in power these days and seem poised to challenge the edit warriors as Romania’s worst creatures. Its members are called “The devil’s animals” (animalele dracu) and can often be found in a stuporous state on buses. Former President, mister Iliescu(or Iliescov), made good use of his college studies at KGB University and recognised the power of this dark cult as key to his ascension to Presidency. This bond was easily observed in the way he was affectionately calling cult members, “mai animalule”.

    Flora is represented by large rubber trees which Romanian people use to make ciunga, a traditional dish. One can also find a lot of mint (menta) plantations, as mint is used in almost all activities with which Rumanians amuse themselves, especially mintrubbing (a freca menta), a deeply meaningful activity explained in more detail here. (You will also find there information about two other major Rumanian pastimes: burning gas and cutting leaves for the dogs – see Government section)

    Romania is a land also full of wild packs of communists. These communists (like Ilici Iliescovici, Ciupanezu, Mihai Eminescu, Miron Cozma, Cabral, Gigi Becali, Marcel Pavel, Godzilla – also known as Mozilla, Serban Huidu, Andreea Marin and Ceausescu, the leader,) live in the beautiful Romanian jungle.

    1.

    Food: They eat almost everything from twigs and worms to newspapers and Lego toys. If they can’t find anything to eat in the jungle, they turn to the countryside where they hunt for the magnificent, yet dangerous Chupacabra, pushing this wonderful species further down the road to extinction. 2.

    Sex: They are sexless. They reproduce solely by invoking a committee on this or that problem. 3.

    Language: How do they talk to each other? Simple! The communist language (also named “the wooden tongue”, since they live in the woods). It’s very simple to learn. You just need to know Romanian, and add at the end of each word “-oiodo”.

    Ex: the national anthem in communist language: Alooiodo. Suntoido euoiodo, unoido haiducoiodo. (Hello! It’s me, the local Robin Hood alias Bombonel).

    ] People

    Romanians are still a mystery to scientists, but the following facts are known:

    *

    They have furry, smelly, yet incredibly delicate feet. *

    For several years in the late 1960s, they served the Dark Lord Sauron (now known as Lord of the Dance; not to be confused with Saurug or Saruman). *

    There is nothing in the world more powerful than a Romanian person drunk on ţuică or palinca, two magical Romanian potions. Moreover, as the underlying tectonic plate spins at about 750 RPM, Romanians have an amazing innate sense of balance which will keep them standing upright even when reaching alcohol-induced coma. *

    They pray every night to Ceausescu, the Romanian god. *

    Women in Romania love pula. *

    In some region of Romania people are half vampires. They support the light of the sun. When the sun is on sky they are human, but when the night comes they become vampires and they are searching for victims. *

    Zdob si Zdub is good. But Grandma too much loves drums and pula. Yach!

    [] Relations

    Romanian mating rituals while playing manele MP3 music are dark and mysterious, probably because there is no electricity in Romania (how can they listen to MP3s without electricity?! Damn, we’re stupid for not finding that out!)

    The raising of children in Romania is also a mystery to scientists all over the world. Although we are certain that they do feed their children with breast milk, there is evidence that they also leave their children in the care of wolves or other wild animals, following traditions from their long lost Roman Empire. Responsible parents will leave their offspring in state-owned orphanages that provide the best upbringing through proper education, a balanced diet and regular physical exercises. As a result, foreigners are bidding fortunes for the chance of adopting these super-children from orphanages.

    The Romanian children that were not so lucky to be admitted in an orphanage are brutal and have a 95% chance of becoming manele singers and performing dark rituals. Until their adulthood they are mostly violent, stupid as Hell, and prone to revelry in mindless parties accompanied by lots of Tzuica, Ursus Beer and manele. They have a habit of making wild sounds inherited from their adoptive animal parents. The wolfman dance is a ritual at every wedding in Transylvania.

    If by some mistake the Romanian children escape the dreaded Manele Virus they are doomed to live dupa blocuri or “in the ‘hood” where they live a life of joy and liberation under the influence of weak narcotics like [[aurolac]].

    Economy

    Romania has no economy. Oddly, despite the lack of economy, Romania’s primary imports are beer and ţuică. Romania’s primary export is drama. Rumanian roommates are the world’s greatest natural source of drama, and their output does not diminish over time. Romania is also the world’s leading exporter of vampires, gymnasts, and sexual fetishisation of old women.

    Romania’s secondary export consists of a very peculiar vehicle (miraculously produced there, since the country has no economy) called the Dacia. The Dacia is a very special form of transportation and might even become, in the future, an alternative to ecological engines powered by electricity or fuel cells, since it seems to be entirely propelled by curses. Curses are also required for maintenance, because changing oil or a faulty spare part has no effect on the functioning. On the contrary, saying to it rabla dracu, or, in extreme cases tutzi mortzii matii de fieratanie! would always work.

    Due to its neighbour Botswana, the currency of Romania is the pula (with its subdivision, the coi). The history of pula started in the 18th century during which there were gold pula coins. The banana merchants of Romania were testing the gold coins with their teeth so a new expression emerged: “eat my pula” meant “test my money, I’m good for it.”

    Even though the pula gold coins were withdrawn from the market in in the 1980s by the Roman community, the inertia of the language kept the expressions alive. It is not uncommon for rich old banana merchants in Romania to say to their young wives “eat my pula,” which can be translated “spend my money, my credit card has no limit.”

    [] Tourism

    Tourism in Romania is a relative new national sport. Romanians tend to gather in herds in certain times of the year (like the 1’st of May, The International Labourer Day) and go devastate every piece of nature that resisted the previous year’s onslaught. When he/she is in the middle of nature, the average Rumanian tends to get melancolic and gets in the mood for some very loud, broken-heart music (aka manele).

    After setting up his chosen location and playing the music at the 20000W car stereo, the Rumanian starts to prepare the national dish, the mici (smallies). The “mici” (not to be mistaken for the “muci”, the product of the national sport, nosepicking) are at their best served with mustard and a pint or two of beer (or 5, or 6 – who can count them after 10?).

    Smallies are a mixture of all types of meat and spices (such as garlic – to fend off vampires, onion – to fend off family, and salmonella), tenderly moulded by old gypsy women who never washed their hands in a somewhat tubular shape. Although you would not expect it, the Rumanian actually cooks the mici, by placing them on improvised stoves or barbecues, called gratare, which are constructed with the sole purpose of producing the maximum amount of smelly smoke in order to annoy the neighbours that don’t own one. From bird cages to supermarket trolleys – anything can be converted into a ‘gratar’, which, you have to admit, is extremely convenient.

    After finishing their relaxing day in nature, the Rumanians make sure not to leave the garbage in one location, on the spot, but scatter it all around, so that the few surviving forest animals choke on it (thus the Rumanian lives up to his hunter-gatherer reputation).

    A very important tourist attraction of Romania is The Ol’-Bitches’ Stone also known as “Babele”. Near it is the not so spectacular StonedDude or “Sfinxul” (in Rumanian). If will ever have the privilege to visit Romania, don’t miss it!

    []

    Culture

    One of Romania’s greatest sculptors, Constantin Brancusi, has sculpted a piece called Coloana Infinitului, or “The Column of Infinity” in English. It is considered a masterpiece nowadays but the truth is that the sculptor was a savage man who fell into a very deep hole as a child and his parents dropped him a large tree trunk to help him get out. It took him years to chop the column from the tree trunk until he could use it as a ladder.

    Because it took so long for him to complete his escape he named his ladder “The Column of Infinity.” It is still unknown why his parents didn’t drop a rope for him to get out or how he survived in the hole surrounded by and feeding on his bodily residues.

    [] Music

    Rock culture is starting to grow in Romania. This year (2005) many rock bands performed in Romania, and more are scheduled to do so in the future. Megadeth is an example. Adi The Wonder Boy, the hard rock legend, will open the Megadeth concert with his brutal, yet soft crow-like voice.

    Another style of music very popular in Romania is “manele”. It’s positioning among the currents in contemporary music is controversial. Some say it is more like dub, some assimilate it with trip-hop, it even has been stated that it is closely linked with Shostacovitch. This type of music has nevertheless prehistoric beginnings, many countries seem to have imported and adapted it, sometimes spoiling it (see Britney Spears, for instance).

    The leaders of the manele genre, in Romania, are Adrian Copilu’ Minune (Ady the Wonder Kid), lately known as Adi de Vito (without any resemblance to Danny DeVito; the name actually refers to “Vito!”, a customary Rumanian greeting meaning “You cow!”), and Nicolae Guta (or Gootzah, for the manele lovers with a hip-hop side), a.k.a. Guta Reynolds. Although Guta is the recognized king of manele (he was crowned live during the Teo -one of Oprah’s disciples- Show), these two are in a constant fight for supremacy in the manele business and in the poor Rumanian’s heart.

    Present day Manele are arabian-like songs which are played all night long at parties in Oltenia and Moldova provinces of Romania. The best manele song is Vecini si dusmani. The main idea of the song is Let’s party and don’t let the neighbours sleep

    Nevertheless we should also mention that Gutza, the great poet/musician, not long ago had a heart attack when receiving the news that he won the Nobel Prize for Peace in 2005.

    A strong appearence on musical scene is the PARAZITII (The parasites) – hip hop band with economic influences that speaks about the romanian currency (pula and coi), about their strong competitors from the manele section to which they send friendly greetings; they sound like, “muie voua si celor care va asculta” (we are great friends let`s have a drink – TUICA) or “esti un taran in pantofi si cu telemea pe dinti” (“i like your tooth-paste and especially your RICCI shoes”). They are great boys( Ombladon – sort of embrio, Cheloo = The bald drinking man and FDD = Freaka Da Dick ).Last but not least, they really enjoy marching for the legalisation of the “iarba”, generally known as “weed”.They think it’s a good a idea to smoke one before dinner, at dinner, after dinner and if there’s any left, after the one you smoked after dinner.

    [] Sport

    The favourite sport of the Rumanian football players is drunk driving while listening to hard-core manele. This extracurricular activity recently led to the qualification of Romania’s national team directly to the final of the 2006 World Cup, which, as a tribute to the razboinicul luminii, Gigi Becali (the Warrior of the light), will be held in the tycoon’s home basement in Pipera.

    The qualification session was quite an adventure, with Mutu the Inhaler playing in his spare time at two football clubs (Chelsea and Juventus). Despite his late training session (which he conducted at his third club, the F.C.M. Exotic Dance Club of Ciorog�rla) on the night before the qualification match, Mutu managed to overcome his tiredness before the very important match by using his magical white fairy dust. And, because fairy dust makes you fly over puffy velvet clouds with hordes of pink seagulls, Mutu had no problem flying through the opposing defence right into the stands.

    With the force of Mutu by their side, Romania’s squad had no problem to win the match, although the opposing team, a mixture of world top class players, claimed that the referee (internationally known Grigory Blatovsky) was against them. This match set a new record, with 22 penalties awarded to the Rumanians and 15 goals cancelled for the opposing team. It ended 1-0 for Romania, with a goal scored in the 9th minute of stoppage time by an intoxicated romanian fan.

    Might be interesting to know that, because the match was played on Rumanian soil, the foreign goal-keeper was blindfolded while having to stay in one foot with his hands tied behind his back. We will be back with more details from the final, scheduled to be played when the Rumanian players return from their bonus trip to Mars.

    A new sport almost emerged: maddogg hunting. It was like this: the maddoggs were once maddpuppies. They were forced to live in the catacombs beneath Bucharest eating only expired plastic bags (a powerful mutagen agent). After two years of plastic eating, the maddpuppies reached maturity. They started hunting rats, maddcatz and the occasional human that dared get out after sunset. The maddoggs started organizing in maddpacks, tribal like organizations in which constant fights were led for supremacy. The maddpack leader usually had an opposable thumb at the 4th foot. The hunt began when the maddoggs started to organize a plot to overthrow the government (after they invented a new way to clean the toilet). The great maddogg crusade was led by Basescu the Slayer. Because of his great succes, he was elected president to rid the country of maddcommunists (regular communists forced to eat bullshit communist doctrines for 50 years).

    ..asta fincă n-au ştiut pe cine-au primit în UE: youtube.com/wat../

  • 15

    obiceiul este oriental, dar ii lipseste contrapartida: oaspetii se descaltau, si primeau un fel de papuci de casa :) Cat despre al treilea membru… daca RO este (re)cunoscuta pentru frumusetea femeilor sale (mai ales al celor tinere, deh!) nu aceeasi apreciere o are virilitatea barbatilor sai. Se pare ca mai mult (auto)lauda de noi…

  • 16

    Romania – ză carpathien garden, fostă “ză lend ăf ciois”

    Geography

    Romania is a very beautiful land with many scenic bordellos and deep valleys and mighty rivers and vast arid deserts and magical enchanted forests and majestic fjords and dangerous volcanoes and gigantic smoking craters, all of which is covered by a 10000-meter-deep glacier, a slathering of delicious non-dairy whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

    The entire area of the country occupies a single tectonic plate, which spins in a counterclockwise direction at a rate of approximately 750 RPM. Because of this, all Rumanian compasses and weather vanes need to be re-calibrated on a regular basis.

    Romania is the largest country in Asia and is hailed by many as the greatest African country since Wisconsin moved to South America. Nevertheless, the UN Council on Countries that Suck has named Romania the world’s suckiest country for 10 years running. For all this bloody nonsense, blame Vlad Drakul, an illustrious Rumanian political leader who inexplicably only comes out at night.

    Romania shares millions of semi-permeable borders with millions of shattered fragments of the former state of Yugoslavia and the now-splintered Soviet Union, as well as with Pakistan, Uganda, Wisconsin, and several other semi-industrialised countries. Due to a localised distortion in the space-time continuum, central Romania has recently undergone a phase-shift and now serves as a portal to another parallel universe called Evil Disrupter (a cubical manifold of high energy fuelled by roaches and pure human blood [the pure blood is of course a myth as every citizen of Romania has a blood to alcohol ratio of at least 1/2]).

    The country has joined EU and has taken its rightful and – for the first time – official place as the mosquito of Europe.

  • 17

    Flora and Fauna

    Romania is positively rife with vampires, dhampires (half-human, half-vampire creatures), werewolves, wolfmen and undead trees. The Romanian Striped Zombie, however, is threatened by poachers and declining sources of fresh brains. In late 2004, a single wild goat was reportedly spotted nibbling on an electric fence just outside Bucharest, but the rare sighting has not yet been confirmed. In spite of its precarious living conditions, the most famous animal in all of Romania is the majestic purple breasted chupacabra. Truly a wonder of nature, this nocturnal predator, reluctant to breed in captivity, is hunted and savagely milked, for chupacabra milk is a key ingredient in most, if not all, sacred Rumanian beverages.

    It is known that the inhabitants of this land are very attached to the animals, living in communion. A very good friend of the people is the bear wich is respected and turned into carpets or exibits in the Museum Antipa (the epicenter of the living flora and fauna).

    From ancient times the bear was appreciated for its laba (paw), wich became the symbol of this lovely creature. The kind people are worshiping the animal god for its existance by making a tribute: dau la laba(“giving to paw”).

    This term is used frequently in expresions like “you’re a pawer” (you respect the bear a lot), “sad paw” (a man is sad because the spirit of the bear left him) or “you give to paw at Andreea Marin” (Andreea Marin helped you rediscover the bear inside you). When a female gives the male a paw it is the begining of a relationship under the authority of the bear spirit and the male is satisfied after this custom, thanking the bear later by giving a paw from the memories.

    The worst species that inhabits Romania is probably the edit warrior, which in his blood-lust and rage destroys everything wherever he goes. The Romanian Institute of Demography has seen a 376.28% rise of this species since the creation of wikis on the web. In 2048 AC, the nation of ROMania itself was re-built entirely from non-volatile ROM, placing it beyond the reach of the edit warriors.

    However, a dark cult seems to be rising in power these days and seem poised to challenge the edit warriors as Romania’s worst creatures. Its members are called “The devil’s animals” (animalele dracu) and can often be found in a stuporous state on buses. Former President, mister Iliescu(or Iliescov), made good use of his college studies at KGB University and recognised the power of this dark cult as key to his ascension to Presidency. This bond was easily observed in the way he was affectionately calling cult members, “mai animalule”.

    Flora is represented by large rubber trees which Romanian people use to make ciunga, a traditional dish. One can also find a lot of mint (menta) plantations, as mint is used in almost all activities with which Rumanians amuse themselves, especially mintrubbing (a freca menta), a deeply meaningful activity explained in more detail here. (You will also find there information about two other major Rumanian pastimes: burning gas and cutting leaves for the dogs – see Government section)

    omania is a land also full of wild packs of communists. These communists (like Ilici Iliescovici, Ciupanezu, Mihai Eminescu, Miron Cozma, Cabral, Gigi Becali, Marcel Pavel, Godzilla – also known as Mozilla, Serban Huidu, Andreea Marin and Ceausescu, the leader,) live in the beautiful Romanian jungle.

  • 18

    păi spune şi tu, Laura, nu sîntem simpatici? mie mi se pare că sîntem foarte simpatici… şi încă ceva: e articolul o “replică” la cel al Doriei, au ba?

  • 19

    @Gondolin:Domnule,hai sa glumim.Intr-o farmacie vine un roman si cere un prezervativ.Farmacista il intreaba ce numar.Romanul scoate obiectul si il pune cu chiu cu vai pe tejghea.Farmacista spune,domnule pt. dvs.2,5 lei.Intre timp intra un american,pune si el obiectul pe tejghea si spune:Am castigat! A luat obiectul si banii si a plecat.

  • 20

    People

    Romanians are still a mystery to scientists, but the following facts are known:

    -They have furry, smelly, yet incredibly delicate feet.

    -For several years in the late 1960s, they served the Dark Lord Sauron (now known as Lord of the Dance; not to be confused with Saurug or Saruman).

    - There is nothing in the world more powerful than a Romanian person drunk on ţuică or palinca, two magical Romanian potions. Moreover, as the underlying tectonic plate spins at about 750 RPM, Romanians have an amazing innate sense of balance which will keep them standing upright even when reaching alcohol-induced coma.

    -They pray every night to Dan Diaconescu, the Romanian god.

    -Women in Romania love pula.

    - In some region of Romania people are half vampires. They support the light of the sun. When the sun is on sky they are human, but when the night comes they become vampires and they are searching for victims.

    Relations :

    Romanian mating rituals while playing manele MP3 music are dark and mysterious, probably because there is no electricity in Romania (how can they listen to MP3s without electricity?! Damn, we’re stupid for not finding that out!)

    The raising of children in Romania is also a mystery to scientists all over the world. Although we are certain that they do feed their children with breast milk, there is evidence that they also leave their children in the care of wolves or other wild animals, following traditions from their long lost Roman Empire. Responsible parents will leave their offspring in state-owned orphanages that provide the best upbringing through proper education, a balanced diet and regular physical exercises. As a result, foreigners are bidding fortunes for the chance of adopting these super-children from orphanages.

    The Romanian children that were not so lucky to be admitted in an orphanage are brutal and have a 95% chance of becoming manele singers and performing dark rituals. Until their adulthood they are mostly violent, stupid as Hell, and prone to revelry in mindless parties accompanied by lots of Tzuica, Ursus Beer and manele. They have a habit of making wild sounds inherited from their adoptive animal parents. The wolfman dance is a ritual at every wedding in Transylvania.

    If by some mistake the Romanian children escape the dreaded Manele Virus they are doomed to live dupa blocuri or “in the ‘hood” where they live a life of joy and liberation under the influence of weak narcotics like [[aurolac]].

    ..mai vreţi??? Ăsta ghid, nu NG :D

    -

  • 21

    @sase sase: nu e de gluma: asociatia medicilor din Germania a protestat oficial care Comisia Europeana (acum 1-2 ani, daca nu ma insel) intrucat standardele impuse de Comisie pentru prezervative nu se potrivesc “obiectului” din dotarea barbatilor germani.

  • 22

    National Geographic are dreptate: Romania e foarte frumoasa, pacat ca este locuita. Ne-ar trebui un Lincoln sau un Carnegie sa avem si noi un model de gindire si comportare. In loc de asta, avem porci ca Nastase si spioni rusi ca Iliescu.

  • 23

    @Zorba: Caragiale era mai dur: Pacat de paduchii care locuiesc intr-insa!

  • 24

    :) apreciez analiza.contribui şi eu cu ceva:

    youtube.com/wat../

    Laura,bine ai revenit,începusem să-ţi simt lipsa. :)

  • 25

    Foame,lene si manele. Asta e Romania.

  • 26

    A semnat convenţia de protejare a animalelor rare, dar permite în mod ipocrit vânarea urşilor.

    din cate stiu eu, fara a fi in domeniu la noi in tara sunt mai multi ursi decat in toata europa de est, plus, cela mai bune trofee de urs au fost vanate in carpatii romanesti….

  • 27

    hi!

  • 28

    Si cei de la Top Gear au fost surprinsi de ce-au gasit in Romania :)

    Erau pregatiti pentru multe “peripetii” , dar au ramas interzisi de ospitalitatea si peisajele de aici.

    Bine , acum fiecare tara se poate lauda cu “atuu-rile” ei… La noi insa…exista doar Frunza :)

  • 29

    ’scuse me! to whom it may concern: hi!

  • 30

    youtube.com/wat../

  • 31

    Habarnam,m-ai dat pe spate cu textele alea.

  • 32

    @florin: nu am zece motive. am unul singur: eu nu ştiu să exist în altă limbă. în limba română ştiu cine sunt. altfel îmi pierd identitatea. poate părea o prostie, dar aşa am simţit mereu şi nu pot schimba asta.

    @sase sase: da’ n-am promis că scriu articolul cu baticuri, degeaba îl aştepţi. :D

    @Radu Popescu: sunt perfect de acord cu directorul de la Pioneer. partea proastă e că nu avem nici măcar agricultura aia, pt că la noi ţăranii nu-şi mai lucrează pământurile deloc. încasează subvenţii şi atât.

    @Gondolin: eu zic că vă subestimaţi :D

    @Zorba: nu neapărat un Lincoln, cât o nouă generaţie de intelectuali şi de oameni educaţi, cu un set de valori sănătoase, şi care să poată ajunge în poziţii de putere socială pt a putea influenţa pozitiv masele largi, populare.

    @Habarnam: de unde scoţi textele astea?

    @val_one: bine v-am regăsit. patriotic filmuleţ. :)

    @andreea: suntem mai mult decât simpatici. iar articolul nu e replică. nu mă bag eu la de-astea. :) pur şi simplu aşa s-a nimerit. am discutat ieri seară cu Iana pe tema asta şi am zis că e interesant ca subiect.

    @JohannM: hai că nu suntem doar atât.

    @alex: cică ar fi 5.000 de urşi. nu ştiu însă câţi sunt dincolo.

    @marcel zadda: hi!

    @Mierea Naturala: ideea e că nu suntem chiar Muma Pădurii. :)

    alt Laura Laurentiu
    2010-09-08 23:25:58 | Raporteaza
  • 33

    Nu stii cit de bine ma simt acum!De dimineata am citit rindurile Doriei si asta m-a intors pe dos.Ptr tine si inca vreo 2,3 nume mai intru pe Vox.Ma simt mai bine nu ptr ca nu ar exista cele 10 motive care ma fac sa tot plec din Romania.Dupa cum ne vad cei de la NG chiar si viata care se scurge medieval e privita cu bunavointa.Pai nu ar trebui sa profitam de asta?Ptr mine Romania este asa cum au descris-o si inca ceva in plus,este ACASA.Multumesc si o zi buna .

  • 34

    ~~~ ideea e că nu suntem chiar Muma Pădurii. :) ~~~

    Nu vrei sa stii( chiar spuneam cuiva ) cat mi-a placut ce-ai pus aici.

    Mai sus la un comentariu Andreea spune ca-i o replica…eu as spune ca-i doar o alta fata a Romaniei , cine vrea s-o vada si pe asta n-are decat de cantarit situatia.Iar daca il si duce “dovleacul” o sa realizeze ca Romania este ca si Omul din noi.

    De fapt… :) ( stiu ca-i aiurea spus , dar asa mi-a venit ) Romania suntem noi.

    Cu cat suntem ai civilizati cu atat si Romania e mai civilizata :) … cu cat suntem mai buni…cu atat Romania devine mai cautata…exemplele pot continua :)

    Muma Padurii nu-i decat pentru cei care vor s-o vada Muma Padurii….

    Si-o muiere daca te uiti mai atent la ea…s-ar putea sa-i gasesti celulita ce-i curge.. sau mai grav parul dintre sani care nu reuseste niciodata sa-l penseze :)

  • 35

    pt că la noi ţăranii nu-şi mai lucrează pământurile deloc. încasează subvenţii şi atât

    Ai văzut tu chestia asta, de acolo din Cluj !?

    Fostă jurnalisto !

  • 36

    Romania – ză carpeithiăn garden, fostă “ză lend ăf ciois” (continuare):

    People

    Romanians are still a mystery to scientists, but the following facts are known:

    -They have furry, smelly, yet incredibly delicate feet.

    -For several years in the late 1960s, they served the Dark Lord Sauron (now known as Lord of the Dance; not to be confused with Saurug or Saruman).

    -There is nothing in the world more powerful than a Romanian person drunk on ţuică or palinca, two magical Romanian potions. Moreover, as the underlying tectonic plate spins at about 750 RPM, Romanians have an amazing innate sense of balance which will keep them standing upright even when reaching alcohol-induced coma.

    -They pray every night to Dan Diaconescu live, the Romanian god.

    -Women in Romania love pula.

    -In some region of Romania people are half vampires. They support the light of the sun. When the sun is on sky they are human, but when the night comes they become vampires and they are searching for victims.

    Relations:

    Romanian mating rituals while playing manele MP3 music are dark and mysterious, probably because there is no electricity in Romania (how can they listen to MP3s without electricity?! Damn, we’re stupid for not finding that out!)

    The raising of children in Romania is also a mystery to scientists all over the world. Although we are certain that they do feed their children with breast milk, there is evidence that they also leave their children in the care of wolves or other wild animals, following traditions from their long lost Roman Empire. Responsible parents will leave their offspring in state-owned orphanages that provide the best upbringing through proper education, a balanced diet and regular physical exercises. As a result, foreigners are bidding fortunes for the chance of adopting these super-children from orphanages.

    The Romanian children that were not so lucky to be admitted in an orphanage are brutal and have a 95% chance of becoming manele singers and performing dark rituals. Until their adulthood they are mostly violent, stupid as Hell, and prone to revelry in mindless parties accompanied by lots of Tzuica, Ursus Beer and manele. They have a habit of making wild sounds inherited from their adoptive animal parents. The wolfman dance is a ritual at every wedding in Transylvania.

    If by some mistake the Romanian children escape the dreaded Manele Virus they are doomed to live dupa blocuri or “in the ‘hood” where they live a life of joy and liberation under the influence of weak narcotics like [[aurolac]].

    To be continued…

  • 37

    64 de km inseamna 40 de mile. E amuzanta chestia cu revolutia industriala bazata pe prelucrarea lemnului,iar faza cu descaltatul imi aminteste de faptul ca un mare director avea ciorapii rupti…dar ce sa faci, te descalti, pai daca oi fi calcat in rahat de caine?

  • 38

    @laura: m-am gandit! Nu ma razgandesc, in linii mari despre asta e vorba.

  • 39

    lauraaaa, auzi? da’ de seminţe nu zice nimic acolo, în ghidul tău?

    eu cred că România e, printre altele, şi ţara cojilor de seminţe…

    (şi apropo, după ce iei o mitralieră şi termini cu cei cu claxonatul, să mi-o împrumuţi şi mie pentru mîncătorii de seminţe, please!

  • 40

    @ileana sut: noah, mă bucur că te simţi mai bine acum. :) cred că putem profita din plin de medievalismul ăsta al nostru, dacă păstrăm autenticul şi îndepărtăm kitsch-ul.

    @Mierea Naturala: cam cum zici. :)

    @cosa nostra: te rog, încetează. începi să mă seci cu stilul ăsta tâmpit. da, am văzut ţărani care fac asta. nu trăiesc pe Lună şi nu stau numai în Cluj. cred că e ultima oară când mă mai străduiesc să discut cu tine.

    @JohannM: eu, una, am obosit să îmi mai urăsc ţara şi să fiu scârbită de ea. da, sunt chestii punctuale pe care le-aş schimba şi care ţin de anumite comportamente şi de anumiţi oameni (vezi claxonatul), dar asta cred că aş întâlni peste tot. până la urmă, în fiecare ţară ceva e naşpa şi nu merge cum trebuie.

    alt Laura Laurentiu
    2010-09-09 09:56:52 | Raporteaza
  • 41

    @andreea: :D de fapt, te deranjează că aruncă pe jos cojile, nu că mănâncă propriu-zis seminţe, nu? pt că şi eu am mai mâncat seminţe când am băut bere, vara, pe terasă. da’ JUR că le-am dus la gunoi resturile! :)

    alt Laura Laurentiu
    2010-09-09 10:00:40 | Raporteaza
  • 42

    laura, şi eu mănînc seminţe, îmi plac… ( :oops: ) da’ mă ascund în cămară şi închid şi lumina, ca să nu mă văd nici măcar eu pe mine. altfel, doar cu prietenii foaaarte apropiaţi. mi se pare un act… intim. :)

    cele mai drăguţe sînt mămicile din parc, venite cu îngeraşul lor cel blond, care stau gînditoare pe bănci şi scuipă delicat cojile pe jos, printre buziţele lor rujate glossy…

  • 43

    @andreea: intim?? asta e tare!! :D

    cum nu mă plimb prin parc, chit că e la 3 m de mine, nu le văd. şi acum dacă mă gândesc bine, anu’ ăsta nici nu am văzut oameni mâncând seminţe pe terasă. nici măcar eu nu am făcut-o, ocupată cu altele. de plict :D

    alt Laura Laurentiu
    2010-09-09 10:22:04 | Raporteaza
  • 44

    :-) ))) explore the carpathian garden .Niciodata nu te vei plictisii.Ro e frumoasa foc dar,pacat ca sunt printre oameni si niste chestii ce o slutesc si o omoara pe zi ce trece.Romanii nu au respect inca fata de ce le-a daruit D-zeu si anume o tara superba cu tot ce-i trebuie si tot relieful.Va fi prea tarziu pana cand vor invata ca tara lor e superba .NUMAI TAIATI PADURILE SI FURATI.

  • 45

    Montesquieu – Scrisori persane :)

    Eu chiar m-am mirat că există România într-o colecţie National Geographic. Mă gândeam că e cumva aberant ca din toată Europa să excluzi Germania, Austria, Cehia, Croaţia, Polonia, Belgia şi Olanda, Elveţia, ţările scandinave, chiar şi Ungaria, dar să incluzi România. La urma urmei până şi Rusia pare mai “turistică”.

    Apoi m-am gândit că o fi o selecţie “locală”, adică National Geographic are toate ţările, dar traduce selecţia pe care o consideră cea mai vandabilă – probabil pe piaţa albaneză există şi un ghid National Geographic al Albaniei :)

    Dar atunci de ce au fost traduse atâtea ţări din America Latină? Specific american?

    În fine, mărturisesc că am luat toate ghidurile, dar ăla cu România nu l-am citit încă, mă gândeam că o să mă enervez, dar pare destul de soft.

    Oricum ce se consideră vizitabil în afară de deltă, n-şpe castele de-ale lui Dracula şi mănăstirile din Bucovina?

  • 46

    @valer: probabil seria a fost făcută de Adevărul Holding. lor le-o fi plăcut America Latină :)

    iar în ghid apar o mulţime de locuri vizitabile, începând cu Târgovişte, de exemplu, şi terminând cu Babadag şi Enisala. e împărţit pe regiuni şi găseşti peste tot câteva ceva demn de văzut.

    alt Laura Laurentiu
    2010-09-09 11:26:23 | Raporteaza
  • 47

    Ai văzut tu ţărani făcând asta şi gata, ai generalizat şi ai tras concluzia !

    Şi dacă nu mai discuţi tu cu mine, mare şmecherie !

    Îţi mai rămân: să te râzi de mine sau să-ţi fie milă.

  • 48

    @ Laura Laurentiu

    Hai să luăm partea bună a lucrurilor – măcar sunt decent traduse – decent pentru un necunoscător ca mine. Mai e scăpat câte un englezism nelalocul lui, dar măcar nu sunt erori penibile. Au fost scoase pe piaţă ghiduri mult mai frumos ilustrate (Aquila) sau mai bine-structurate (Rao), dar cu greşeli de traducere de care s-ar fi jenat şi google.

    Poate era nevoie de o privire de asta din-afară să se vadă ce e interesant aici …

  • 49

    Au prezentat şi imnul turistic???

    Am eu unul, da’ e expirat: youtube.com/wat../

  • 50

    Pe aia cu “Vegetarienii duc o viata grea in restaurantele din Romania” mi-o aminteste mama la fiecare legatura directa pe Skype. Tocmai fiindca sunt vegetariana, ii spun ca restaurantul e la mine acasa.

  • 51

    @Nico: asta cu vegetarianismul mă intrigă, într-un fel. adică, înţeleg motivaţia, dar nu înţeleg cum puteţi renunţa la atâtea gusturi. eu nu mănânc mult, de fapt, dar sunt pofticioasă şi curioasă în a testa orice mâncare, şi de-aia să te abţii cu bunăştiinţă de la toate minunăţiile culinare mi se pare o pierdere. :)

    alt Laura Laurentiu
    2010-09-10 15:16:59 | Raporteaza
  • 52

    @Laura Laurentiu: Nu ma asteptam la un raspuns diferit, sunt obisnuita cu aceasta reactie:); reiese din articol (capitolul “Romania Today”) ca Maramuresul meu drag a ramas acelasi (cel zis “istoric”) cu cel pe care l-am lasat in urma de sapte ani. Lacrimile o sa-mi curga siroaie cand saptamana viitoare o sa-i simt iar pamantul sub picioare.

  • 53

    Doing this appears fun for boys and girls underneath Nine!. home https://www.smartselfbalancewheel.com

  • 54

    What i do not understood is if truth be told how you’re not really much more neatly-preferred than you may be right now. You are very intelligent. You know therefore considerably in the case of this matter, made me personally believe it from a lot of varied angles. Its like men and women don’t seem to be interested except it is something to accomplish with Woman gaga! Your own stuffs nice. At all times maintain it up!

  • 55

    I read this article fully on the topic of the comparison of latest and previous technologies, it’s remarkable article.

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